I read a quote the other day and I have no idea who to attribute it to, but I’m acknowledging it’s not mine and I think (I hope?) that’s enough to avoid a lawsuit.
It basically went like this:
“Go easy on yourself; you’re doing the best you can.”
I have not been going easy on myself lately. Historically, I probably never have. It’s taken a really, really long time for me to accept that doing my best is not nature’s equivalent to being the best, and by “a really, really long time” I mean that – most days – my subconscious still hasn’t fully figured all that out.
After my 2018 year of realizing stuff, 2019 has been all about actioning the stuff I’ve realized. I am SUPER proud of my progress. I’m definitely calmer. I’m definitely much better at the whole ‘perspective’ thing. Stressors that would consume my mind for days don’t take up half us much time as they used to. I believe in myself and believe in people far more resiliently than I once did, and that – I think – is strength.
HOWEVER, the downside of realizing what you do want is being forced to accept that you don’t have it right now. And, yes, it’s coming. (But, also, what if it’s not?) And, yes, you’re trying. (But, also, what if that doesn’t matter?) And so here we are, in the in between of trying to get from where you are to where you want to be.
I want to be able to support myself fully through my writing and my creativity. I’m totally open to what that looks like. For example, maybe it’s having a full-time position in the publishing industry and freelancing on the side to make ends meet. Maybe it won’t be freelancing and, instead, finally landing a book deal. Maybe it will be some kind of combination of all three. Whatever it looks like, I know two things:
- I’m excited for it
- It’s the opposite of what things look like right now
So, I’ve been working HARD. I’m good at working hard. I’ve been trying to have conversations with publications that I admire, interviewing for a bunch of freelance opportunities, and working on my latest manuscript. Sometimes, I sleep and – occasionally – I eat!
The main reason I’m so strapped for time, of course, is the fact that I have a full-time job. Which is a blessing, don’t get me wrong. But the past few months have been mentally draining, as I accept how completely misaligned 50+ hours of my week are with my dreams and hopes and goals.
And I don’t know how to fix that besides working harder and harder to change it, and I’ll continue to do that until it’s done. But I’m mentally exhausted, that’s for sure. And physically exhausted, too. This weekend, especially. (Damn daylight savings.)
So, in an effort to leverage a strength that is larger than my own, I am putting this in writing today. Because I believe that helps make things real. It helps the universe bring you what you’re asking for. It helps you feel like you’re doing something when, at the moment, you’re not sure what else exactly to do.
And, for lack of energy at the moment, I’m going to elect to go easy on myself, and try not to stress about the work for my full-time job I should probably be doing right now instead, or the manuscript that isn’t going to write itself. Because I am FOR SURE doing the best I can. And I’m sure all of you lovely people are as well.
So be proud of yourselves.
Happy Sunday Funday.