Having the time of my Life(time)

Last night I made the pretty amazing decision to watch the world premiere of Lifetime’s new movie, “Harry and Meghan: A Royal Romance.”

Fortunately, a pretty respectable amount of people on Twitter made this decision with me, so with them + my one super committed Lifetime-viewing friend by my side, I felt supported and prepared to dive right in.

This post contains SPOILERS. Pretty much, my key thoughts at all the important (according to me) stages of this movie. Not so much because I remember everything that happened chronologically (I don’t), but because I stream of consciousness texted my feelings to my previously mentioned super committed Lifetime-viewing friend, so I’ve got them receipts, honey.

OK LET’S GET STARTED.

In case you somehow missed it, Prince Harry is marrying Meghan Markle. On the right is a picture of them in real life. On the left is a picture of them in the movie. meghan and harry

Thought #1: I’m kind of into it! No, they aren’t twins, but if Harry/Meghan had actual twins, then I’m sure Lifetime would have asked them to play their parts in this movie instead. Strangers don’t just look identical to other strangers, people! I’m ok with the casting choice.

Thought #2: Ok! Two-ish minutes in. It appears that a young Prince Harry is maybe going to be eaten by a lion in the African savanna. For a second, I have to check the guide and make sure I’m watching the right movie. YEP. Fear not. Also, Harry survives! Phew.

Thought #3: Great, now we are in Britain. In the royal palace, I think. Or one of the royal palaces. Don’t they have many? I feel like they do…I know their lives are *different* but all those royal people can’t be living in the same house forever, even if it is a castle. Right? Now I have questions that I sadly accept Lifetime is probably not about to answer.

Thought #3.5: OH. That guy sitting next to Kate in this scene is Prince William. Prince William looks like he’s 47. But strangers don’t just look identical to other strangers. Let’s just accept this and move on.

Thought #4: We made it to their first date! Wait, Harry was HOW LATE? 40 minutes late?? I would NEVER. Not even for the Prince of England!! Ok, stop lying, Charlene. Oh! Harry planted a fake emergency under the guise of “London Bridge is falling down” so that he could easily escape if Meghan sucks. HE STAYS. Meghan wanted to be the first female biracial president of the United States. Ok it’s morning now! Meghan’s back on her way to the USA. I wonder if she’s flying commercial?

Thought #5: Ok, Meghan’s spazzing a little. I get that. Ok, now she’s telling Harry she’s divorced and has joint custody…of her dogs. Wait, is that supposed to be an excuse? Not the divorce part, but the dog part? Doesn’t the royal family have like 29 corgis? Didn’t the Queen clone one of them, or something? Am I getting my corgi stories mixed up? Again I fear that I have questions that Lifetime is not going to answer. OH THANK GOD. Harry is cool with the dogs.

Thought #6: Date number 2! They’re in Botswana??!! No boy’s ever taken me to Botswana…I want a surprise trip to Botswana.

Thought #7: THEY ARE LITERALLY COMPARING NOTES ABOUT WHETHER IT’S HARDER TO BE GINGER IN BRITAIN OR BIRACIAL IN THE WORLD. LIFETIME, CAN I GET A COMMERCIAL BREAK, PLEASE?

Thought #8: Did Meghan just take off her clothes in the middle of Botswana? Alright, I’m fine with that, I guess. Do you, Meghan!

Thought #9: Back in the royal palace! Kate and “William” are here. Do they ever leave? Maybe all these people do live together. Ok, Kate’s keeping it real. Meghan’s American, divorced, half-black…can Harry deal? YEAH, HARRY, CAN YOU??

Thought #10: Meghan is sitting in her hairdresser’s chair and he has figured out that she must be up to some kind of mess because her hair looks terrible. Can I please say that her hair literally looks fine. Can I also please say on behalf of black girls everywhere that if that is my hair when it looks terrible then I somehow died, missed it, and am currently already presiding in heaven.

Thought #11: Ok, Meghan has just confided in her hairdresser that she is dating Prince Harry. DID THIS MAN JUST ASK IF PRINCE HARRY IS MICHAEL JACKSON’S SON. Ok, hairdresser might be my favorite character.

Thought #12: Date 3! Harry’s in Meghan’s house dressing her dogs (to her surprise). I have a dog, so I can respect this. I’m also pretty convinced at this point that stories like this are maybe not real.

Thought #13: Ok, stories like this are DEFINITELY not real, but knowing Lifetime they are making half this stuff up to fit their two-hour time slot anyways, so I’m not mad. Especially because now Meghan and Harry are going to a Halloween party! This is perfect because their romance is top secret so Harry can dress up as a full-body frog and Meghan can be Hillary Clinton. Ok, we made it to the party. Ok, Harry is taking off his frog head to have a drink…this feels like a bad move, Harry. Yep. It is. Some LA-commoners (for some reason to me this seems different than the normal American commoner) are talking shit to the Prince of England. OMG ONE JUST TOLD PRINCE HARRY THAT HIS GRANDMA CAN KISS HIS ASS. I love this movie. Hm. Where’s the hairdresser?

Thought #14: I thought Prince George was basically a baby still but he’s giving me strong 8-year-old vibes in this scene.

Thought #15: Um. Hi, new-character-Bella. I think you’re related to the palace in some way? Wait. Stop. No. Bella did NOT just touch Meghan’s hair. She did not just ask how she got it so straight. I want Meghan to stand up and Dave Chappelle answer, “‘CAUSE I’M RICH, BITCH” so badly but no. That doesn’t happen in Cinderella so I suppose it can’t happen here.

Thought #16: Alright, Meghan is talking about the time she was young and heard a white man call her mother the n-word. Lifetime is teaching right now. Harry’s back in history class. Short and sweet, but at least we acknowledged it, I guess. I appreciate it, Lifetime.

Thought #17: Ok, got into a long screen-shot convo via text about what people are saying on Twitter about this movie. I think I missed some stuff, but I’m back! Meghan is in the process of breaking up with Harry because he wrote this very nice and protective statement to the press about letting his girl live. Now she hates him. Harry is so sad on the way back to his private jet, ugh. Oh, good, Meghan’s mom is talking some sense! Oh, good. We are rushing to the airport to stop Harry! Meghan uses their special phrase: London Bridge is falling down. Ok, they’re back together.

Thought #18: Is that…wait. IT IS. The racist broach!!!!!! Ok, Harry is literally telling his aunt/cousin (what is this woman’s relation to him?) all about racism in the middle of this fancy British party. I love Harry right now. I’m also 95% positive this did not happen in real life.

Thought #19: At this point I’ve pretty much accepted Harry just pops into Meghan’s life at any given moment, like an actual genie. I guess it’s his royal magical power. This time he is popping into Meghan’s hotel room the moment she is talking on the phone about him. He is whisking her away to the party where his racist aunt/cousin (what is this woman’s relation to him?) is! Parties are the best.

Thought #20: Ok, Kate and Meghan are at this party bonding over being commoners. Ok, Kate isn’t drinking. Ok, Kate is pregnant and is telling Meghan. I’m pretty sure now no one in the world knows this besides Kate and Meghan. I’m also 95% sure this probably didn’t happen. Why is Lifetime making up this whole party right before my very eyes?

Thought #21: Ok, Meghan is waking Harry up right now because she is 36 and very concerned about not being able to have babies. He needs to hurry up! Why aren’t they married yet?? I think it’s been five dates. Also, this is the modern world, Meghan!! And you’ve got MONEY. You’ve got options, girl. Trust me.

Though #22: We’re back in Africa somewhere! Meghan is forcing Harry to talk about Diana. Ugh, this is sad. Harry walks off and Meghan follows. Is that another lion? Is he about to be eaten AGAIN? Oh, ok, the lion represents his mother’s love, I think. Harry will not be eaten.

Thought #23: We’re still in Africa. Harry asks Meghan to marry him! There’s no ring. I guess that’s ok? Wait, no, it’s not, I want the Prince of England proposing with an actual ring. Meghan says yes…are they engaged? I’m unsure.

Thought #24: I really hope the queen is being played by Betty White.

Thought #25: The queen is not being played by Betty White. But the queen is giving Harry some good news – HE’S MIXED, TOO! Some old royal guy married some mixed woman like a zillion years ago, and there’s even a picture of her on their royal walls! The not-Betty-White queen takes Harry and Meghan to the picture. I think this means they are allowed to get married!

Thought #26: Yay! A ring! Finally! Harry proposes!

Thought #27: It’s over. Wow. Two hours of my life. 48% of my cell phone battery. Was it good? Was it worth it? What does it all mean?

Thought #28: Ooh, sweet, it comes back on tomorrow!

Catch the rerun on Lifetime tonight @ 8pm EST 🙂 Or, you know, any of the hundred other times they play it.

 

Xo Charlene

 

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