I love TV.
But not all TV. I’m not good at crazy complex plot lines with dual universes and cliffhangers that leave you holding your breath at the end of every episode until you find out six seasons later that everyone died in a plane crash and is in Heaven or some other magical place. (I think that’s a reference to Lost? Maybe not? Whatever?) I don’t love action and explosions and cars flying off of buildings. I’m not great with network dramas. TV, for me, serves one of two purposes: either it’s background noise while I do just about anything else, OR it’s a mind-numbing agent similar to Novocain for the brain.
For these reasons, I love reality TV.
It’s soooooo dumb. Like. SO DUMB. But SO. GOOD. I don’t think I could say those two things about anything else I’ve ever encountered, which makes reality TV its own little novelty in my mind, like when rain and sun come together to make rainbows. I guess, to be most accurate, the real tagline here is that I love bad TV. Please hear this disclaimer: I KNOW THE VAST MAJORITY OF MY TELEVISION IS NOT EMMY-DESERVING TELEVISION. By the time I sit down to watch a show, my brain cells are usually too drained to even appreciate Emmy-deserving television. So, completely insane Lifetime movies, Bobby Flay cooking challenges, holiday specials? Sign me up. I’m all the way here for it. I love watching foolishness unravel on TV. Unravel, baby. Unravel right before my very eyes.
So, it’s time for you to know: I’m very, very into The Real Housewives of Potomac right now.
I think the most amazing thing about the fact that I’m so into RHOP right now is the fact that it is literally the lowest of the low and then another rung lower on the Housewives’ hierarchy ladder. It’s like how you have Lexus, and then you have Toyota, and then you have Razor scooters, and then you have knockoff Razor scooters, and then you have something that is beneath even that and you don’t even know what it is. Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s RHOP.
Now, to be clear, I DO NOT FEEL THIS WAY AT ALL. But other people do. People who know a little sumpin sumpin about the Housewives franchises do. Because you have your Real Housewives of Orange County, who are the originators. And then you have your Real Housewives of Atlanta, who are some of the quickest, shadiest, most hilarious women on all of TV (BYE ASHY). And then you have Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, which is the mother of more spin-off shows than any other Housewife series in the history of Housewife series (didn’t fact check that; could be lying), and Real Housewives of New Jersey with enough petty/also not so petty family drama to last you a TV-watching lifetime. (They argue over who threw out the Sprinkles cookies for like 1.5 years but then also people go to jail. So. Yeah.)
And then you have The Real Housewives of Potomac. Only three seasons in. The OG housewives get locked-in time slots but RHOP kind of gets bounced around now and then like that dentist appointment you were prioritizing but then something (anything) else came up. Also, no one knows what Potomac is. Or where Potomac is. The other Housewife franchises (Orange County, Atlanta, Beverly Hills, New Jersey, New York, Dallas) have the luxury of being from places that people have actually heard of. Who has even heard of Potomac?
I HAVE! Because I am so good at geography and mainly (entirely) because it’s 20 minutes from where I grew up/my parents still live.
It’s a suburb in Maryland right outside of Washington, DC, and it has great schools and a lot of money and a show on Bravo. I grew up in the neighboring city, Gaithersburg, and I’ll love it there forever and ever God bless Maryland never forget! So I watch RHOP, but no one else I grew up with will watch it with me. Seriously. I’ve asked. They’ve even promised. And I’ve even followed up. And below is an actual screen shot of exactly how that went:
…yeah, so there are Lexuses, then Toyotas, then Razor scooters, then knockoff Razor scooters…
REGARDLESS, this show has been giving me life and if I recruit even one more human to watch next week (Sundays on Bravo at 10pm…or maybe 8pm…depending on if the 8pm time is permanent now or not), I know I will have changed a life for the better!
So, ok, here are the ladies and here is what you should know about them, according to me:
Karen: This is Karen. She terrifies me. The way she looks when she’s pissed gives me Medusa vibes and if I had to encounter it in person I would most likely morph into petrified stone. She has this daughter Rayven who is maybe the most pleasant person I’ve ever seen on television. She’s just like this beam of sunshine in a way that doesn’t make you want to throw up and I like that! However, Karen’s husband hasn’t been paying taxes, or something, and the details are very unclear because Karen swears she has no idea what’s going on, but still wanted to host a press conference (her words) for all the ladies to come and ask all their questions about the tax issues that she allegedly knows nothing about. Then she got mad when the ladies showed up and actually did, in fact, start asking questions. And so she tried to leave, but then they reminded her that this was the whole reason she was having the press conference in the first place, and then she sat back down. Karen is so sensible! Also, she used to call her husband the Black Bill Gates, but then the ladies started calling him the Broke Bill Gates, and also Uncle Ben, because Gizelle says he looks like Uncle Ben on the rice box. AND YEP I’M DONE.
Gizelle: Ok. So Gizelle is messy af. It’s kind of amazing. Per the above, she started the whole “Uncle Ben” thing with Karen’s husband, and also wore a t-shirt THAT SHE MADE HERSELF to Karen’s press conference that literally said “Free Uncle Ben” and “Tax Reform.” So yeah, I’m dead. Also, I’m really into her independent woman vibes. For the first two seasons she was raising three (Maybe just two? Definitely more than one!) daughters on her own and not even sweating about a man. Oh, she also has a ghostwriter writing a “fictional” book right now that seems to be exactly about her life as the pastor’s wife who was cheated on. She read some of it aloud to the girls. She…struggled a bit. Reading, that is. So, Monique says she should get a “ghost reader,” too. (Lolz.)
Monique: Monique is a rapper. Yep. Honestly. She’s good!! Yep. Honestly. She’s also married to someone who used to play for the Redskins (I think) and they have two kids and a big ol’ house in Potomac-proper. Also four other houses in undisclosed locations. Her husband’s mom hates her and called her a heifer on camera last season. Oh, well – I see you, Monique!
Ashley: I love Ashley. I could watch Ashley all day. She’s late-20-something and her husband is (rich) late-50-something. They separated last season because they started an Australian restaurant that was sucking (also, if the “Australian restaurant market” is even a thing, don’t we just call that “Outback?”). We found out in last week’s episode that her husband is also pissed because Ashley is using their money to pay for her grown mother’s and her grown mother’s boyfriend’s house???? And also supports their general existence, it seems. So yeah, that’s crazy. Lastly, Ashley made it her life’s mission last season to inform Robyn that she was wasting her life and doing basically everything wrong regarding her love life/whole life, and WOULD NOT BACK OFF NO MATTER WHAT. She also twerks, which is fun.
Robyn: *Sigh.* Oh, Robyn. So, Robyn dated Juan Dixon her whole life and then married him and he was an NBA player and she was an NBA wife and have you ever heard anything so romantic?? Ok, well then something happened and Juan went overseas or something and cheated on Robyn and they got divorced. But then they also lost all their money in a deal gone bad, and Juan stopped playing basketball…I don’t know, they’ve been through a lot and I would never make an effort to understand the true chronological aspect of all of this but the takeaway is that Robyn and Juan are “semi-broke” (so am I) by Potomac standards and also divorced. However, Robyn and Juan kept living together and just bought a new house together and share a room and Robyn obviously loves him soooo much which makes it especially awkward when every RHOP episode is like watching Juan basically audition for a spot in He’s Just Not That Into You 2. They even caught him on camera last season whispering to a camera dude in the closet about how he would just leave if they didn’t have two boys together!!! Omg. I cringe the entire time. Love yourself, Robyn!!! Cue The Greatest Love of All and let’s all sing along in support of Robyn! (Robyn is also the second most terrifying person on this show to me, so I’m going to stop talking about her now.)
Candiace: Candiace is new this season, but she is quickly emerging as my favorite! Candiace was Miss United States, according to Ashley, NOT to be confused with Miss U.S.A. (not sure if that was a jab at Trump or shade or what, but Ashley seems to want to make sure that point is clear). She’s newly engaged to a white man named Chris. Chris got wasted at Candiace’s first party with him on camera, climbed onto the second-story balcony of Monique’s house and flipped backwards into the pool. Given, he did it with a black man he made fast friends with, but Candiace was very quick to point out that “I brought you here with all these black people and you did the drunkest white boy thing you could!” Candiace also decided to share, in like her third episode, that her man’s…you know…is only pink on the top but the rest is actually brown! So now everyone knows. EVEN I KNOW. And she swears she only told us because we would end up asking eventually. The ladies assured her that no, in fact, we would not have.
AND THAT IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW. Don’t they all seem so lovably ridiculous? Aren’t you ready to tune in next Sunday at 8pm or 10pm or whenever the damn airtime actually is??